BEAUWOLF


A.D.9.21.1990

•PHILOSTINE•

nevver:

Love actually
nevver:

People like us
sidunbar:


 
                        STARVED
© Copywrite S.I. Dunbar 2014 
(please note that the following is a personal account—a work of nonfiction that was never intended to offend. still offended? try some of this.)

I am eight years old when I ask Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I have no idea what I a terrible mistake I’m making. In fact, I have no idea what I’m doing at all.
It’s Easter Sunday. My sisters and I have joined our grandparents for the obligatory jaunt to the Mega-church, where we sit in the far back of the auditorium watching sweat drip from the preacher’s shaking jowls in stunning high-definition.
The best thing about massive churches (besides the anonymity and cushy seats) are the multiple big-screen televisions dangling precariously from the vaulted ceiling. Biblical passages zip across the bottom of the screen in glaring yellow font like breaking news updates. I read them to keep from scribbling comics on my program or falling asleep. The lights are dimmed, heads are bowed, and the piano has gone all soft and tinkly, which is how I know I should be paying attention.

Read More

in the morning, i discovered

unfitmagazine:

dragging
this against this

rubbing
no specific here

looking out but not
searching

feeling
without sense

my body is an unshut body
in the morning, i discovered

nevver:

Dope, Amy Lombard

BUT MOSTLY IT’S THAT HAVING VALUES AT ALL IS OUTMODED.

You know why therapy works?
Because all anyone needs is someone to listen to them and tell them it’s okay that they’re feeling that way and there’s nothing wrong with them and that it’s going to be alright and that they’ve already done so much to get here.

The difference is that therapists actually fucking believe that
and most of the people you know just say that shit to be ‘nice.’

VULNERABILITY, APATHY, WEAKNESS, SHAME, FEAR ALL YOUR BEST FRIENDS. IF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY LET THEM FILL YOU YOUR LIFE WOULD NO LONGER BE RUN BY THEM.

WHAT YOU DON’T SEE YOU CAN’T ACCEPT

WHAT YOU DON’T ACCEPT OWNS YOU.

*

As long as why you’re angry doesn’t have to do with you and instead has to do with other vague, overarching obstacles, or elaborate existential questions, then you don’t ever have to actually just BE miserable.

*

My brand of Christianity:

POSITIVE THINKING WILL NOT HELP YOU OUT OF YOUR HOLE.
YOU WILL HELP YOU OUT OF YOUR HOLE.
HOPEFULLY YOU WILL COME OUT WITH SOMETHING
POSITIVE.

*
THERE IS ALMOST NO PRESSURE THAT MAKES THINGS GET BETTER.

THERE IS ALMOST NO WAY YOU WILL WANT SOMETHING
EVEN IF YOU NEED IT
UNLESS YOU WANT IT.

YOU WILL LIKELY ONLY WANT IT IF IT’S COMPLETELY UP TO YOU.

IT’S COMPLETELY UP TO.

*

DON’T LISTEN TO/DON’T MAKE SUGGESTIONS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE AWARE THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT OR ARE DOING.

YOU WILL NOT HELP THEM BY OFFERING THEM MORE HELP.

HOW FAR WILL WE GO TO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE PAIN?

AND THAT’S WHERE YOUR ART AND LIFE GET STUCK.

RIGHT THERE,

STUNTED AT WHAT YOU WOULDN’T LET YOURSELF FEEL

AND THEN ACCEPT AS LONG AS YOU HAVE TO.

Does a really good job of masking future oriented thinking by accessorizing old pain in new ‘be here now’ practice.

Fights the future by lying about the present.

Fights fighting with more fighting against fighting.

Be positive!

[Lie to yourself!]

Because sometimes there isn’t a silver lining and you just need to fucking accept exactly what choices you’ve made to get here, what choices you’re making or not making now, and trust that you’re not going to feel like that forever. That’s being present.

Just be as depressed as you actually are.

Don’t, like so many people advise,

cover it up with more work, or lofty goals, or more friends, or more of a social life, or more practice, or more of anything.

Don’t promise anyone you’re going to get yourself together.
Or apologize for being a complete fucking wreck.

Stop trying to fix problems.

Stop trying to fix yourself.


Just be really fucking depressed.

Really really fucking depressed.

killkylee:

chansey4satan:

 

glitching towards whatever